When love means letting go

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

 ~ William Somerset Maugham

The irony of relationship is that we make commitments to another person, not knowing who that person will be when he inevitably changes.  We make a vow to another, not knowing how we ourselves will change.  Not only is change inevitable, but the direction is unpredictable.  Some changes do not disrupt partnered life; others can shake a relationship to the core.  

Like most people, I’ve been subject to several life altering changes which have propelled me out of certain relationships and friendships.  While people naturally yearn for familiarity, it can also hold a person back if they do not let go when a relationship has run its course.  The quotation “Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks in it” made me both laugh and cringe simultaneously.  In my case it would be “everyone” I have ever let go of.  

When I love someone, the last thing I want to do is let them go, even if it’s the higher path.  I’ve started to become more disciplined and honest with myself about when it’s time to part ways.  Although it may be difficult for ME to say goodbye, if I keep going forward with someone when I know it’s not right, I am holding the other person back from life experiences, and therefore harming him.  Yes, detaching from someone I have loved intensely feels worse than a full body wax, but if I truly love the person, I must let them go.  When songs like “All you need is love” start playing, I just shake my head and tell myself “well, not always.”  

How do you know a relationship is over? Sure, it’s easy to enter a relationship, but the exit is usually so much trickier.  A few questions I ask myself:

1.       What are my motives for staying with this person?

2.      How do I feel when I’m around this person?

3.      Are we headed the same direction?

4.      Does this person respect me for who I am? Do I respect him or her?

5.      Am I able to work through problems with this person?

6.      Are we able to grow both individually and as a couple?

People outgrow each other. Circumstances change.  How do you repair a broken heart? One thought that helps soften the sting: focus on feeling grateful for the lessons you taught each other and the experiences you have shared.  It is perfect as it is, there does not need to be “more” as we often crave.  I sometimes like to picture myself dancing with the other above the earth in an alternate reality, symbolizing the idea that when we get close to someone, a part of them remains in us, and we in them.  It’s overwhelming to think about how we may encounter change with another. Through allowing people to touch our lives, even if it’s only for a time, we become who we are meant to be.

Destruction, in the name of Construction

As someone who grew up in the Christian church, I was used to hearing common phrases, including the one by Jesus in which he states: "He who loses his life shall find it," which made me wonder if I had to go through a total annihilation of my current identity before finding my true self. Like other common messages we hear day in and day out, this didn't contain much meaning for me until I had an alternative frame of reference.

One of my favorite books is Mark Epstein's "Thoughts Without a Thinker."  On page 48, he states

"We do not want to admit our lack of substance to ourselves, and instead, strive to project an image of completeness, or self sufficiency. The paradox is that, to the extent that we succumb to this urge, we are estranged from ourselves and are not real.  Our narcissism requires that we keep the truth about ourselves at bay."

Could it  be possible that we lack "real substance" as Epstein suggests?  We've all heard that we can "decide who we want to be" in this world.  If that's truly the case, what do we have to start with? Are we really a blank slate?

The more I've thought about this question and looked for my own answers, I believe we are "blank slates" to some degree.  To clarify, we certainly enter this world with our own gifts, tendencies, genetics, and personalities; but these traits are like raindrops falling from an infinitely vast sky.  Our vastness, our core, cannot be defined or identified.  As Epstein suggests, our "image of completeness" is only that ~ an image we ourselves have created.

In order to see ourselves for who we truly are, we must let go of our self constructed identities.  When we are willing to relinquish our ideas of who we are and loosen the reigns on our own personal story, we can begin to approach reality.

The Hindu goddess Kali possesses a dual role: construction and destruction.  Both go hand in hand, just like birth and death.  In order to construct our true self and "find our life" as Jesus suggests, we need to destruct and dismantle ideas about our limitations.  Destruction, despite it's negative connotations, is beautiful in the sense that it creates room for new insights and helps cleanse self defeating patterns.  If I can break free from the thought that "I" am a quiet, intellectual person, I simultaneously open a space for the wisdom within me that may only be expressed in an outspoken, more spontaneous way.

We are infinite beings, with unlimited depth.  I strive to go beyond the identity I have created for myself, to discover the true essence inside all of us.  In order to break through my identity, I've found it beneficial to "break down" what I've constructed.  Destruction, in the name of construction.  Fear of our own insubstantiality eventually fades when we discover that we cannot be confined to a set of ideas or labels about who we are.  While it may feel strange to walk around without a solid conception of our being, the less we  grasp at a solid idea of the self, the more natural we become.  To refer back to the opening quote by Jesus, "He who loses his life shall find it," I honor and respect all of those who have had the courage to let go of the known, and venture into the uncharted territory of their inner being.

Trust myself? Who IS my true self anyway!?

 We often hear the phrase "just trust yourself."  Depending on the day, a persons idea of "myself" can change drastically.  We all play different roles, depending on who's watching, where we are, and what the impending consequences may be.  In a world where our environment changes increasingly fast, it can be tough to keep up if we are used to portraying various "selves" in certain circumstances. 

When I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed I wanted to reflect my "responsible businesswoman" self.  Then I remembered I may attend an event after work with a friend, and there I would rather portray my more "artistic laissez faire" side.  How do we reconcile all of our "selves?" 

We integrate the dynamic aspects of our personality so automatically in everyday life, it seems to be barely conscious unless an unexpected situation arises.  For example, a teenager who gets stuck spending an afternoon with his parents AND his friends simultaneously must reconcile the role of "edgy guy" and "cautious young man" to satisfy both roles.  

What roles do you play in your life? Is it possible to play them all at once? As a high school student I remembered seeing one of my teachers out with her boyfriend.  Strangely enough, she seemed exactly the same as she did in the classroom! In another instance, I saw a supervisor on her day off, and she went from what looked like Ms. Prim & Proper to Steamy Seductress. If someone saw you out of your typical environment, would they be surprised? 

I remember reading a quote somewhere that explains in order to be in full integrity with yourself,  your actions, words, and intentions must be aligned.  How can the male teenager be both edgy and cautious at the same time? His words would be different from his true intentions, at least part of the time in order to portray both traits to his particular audience.

Everyone encompasses seemingly "opposite" characteristics.  When we think of our true self, we do have predominating tendencies that we like to claim as our own, which help form our identity.  Most athletes like to think of themselves as fit, disciplined, and capable.  Although, inside every athlete is a 5 year old with his hand in the cookie jar--it just takes the right circumstances for it to surface.  Nevertheless, we create our "self" based on the identity we would like to assume, and choose traits accordingly. 

If we choose our behavior and (to some degree) our personality, who is our true self, exactly?  Part of the beauty of being a teenager is having the freedom to explore who we want to be and "try on" potential versions of ourselves.  When we reach adulthood, we do eventually start to solidify who we are.  Eventually we start to become who we REALLY are with the majority of people in our life, in most circumstances.  We realize that we no longer need to play certain roles as often as we used to.

One of the keys to knowing who we truly are is to begin to make the journey from the head to the heart.  According to a Native American proverb, it's the longest journey we'll ever make. I like to look at heart centered people for inspiration.  Gandhi is one of my favorite examples.  He radiated authenticity from the very core of his being.  He was being true to himself, and in the process caused a ripple effect that touched thousands.

Lao Tzu's thought helps explain what happens when we find and express our true self" "When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people's hearts."