As someone who grew up in the Christian church, I was used to hearing common phrases, including the one by Jesus in which he states: "He who loses his life shall find it," which made me wonder if I had to go through a total annihilation of my current identity before finding my true self. Like other common messages we hear day in and day out, this didn't contain much meaning for me until I had an alternative frame of reference.
One of my favorite books is Mark Epstein's "Thoughts Without a Thinker." On page 48, he states
"We do not want to admit our lack of substance to ourselves, and instead, strive to project an image of completeness, or self sufficiency. The paradox is that, to the extent that we succumb to this urge, we are estranged from ourselves and are not real. Our narcissism requires that we keep the truth about ourselves at bay."
Could it be possible that we lack "real substance" as Epstein suggests? We've all heard that we can "decide who we want to be" in this world. If that's truly the case, what do we have to start with? Are we really a blank slate?
The more I've thought about this question and looked for my own answers, I believe we are "blank slates" to some degree. To clarify, we certainly enter this world with our own gifts, tendencies, genetics, and personalities; but these traits are like raindrops falling from an infinitely vast sky. Our vastness, our core, cannot be defined or identified. As Epstein suggests, our "image of completeness" is only that ~ an image we ourselves have created.
In order to see ourselves for who we truly are, we must let go of our self constructed identities. When we are willing to relinquish our ideas of who we are and loosen the reigns on our own personal story, we can begin to approach reality.
The Hindu goddess Kali possesses a dual role: construction and destruction. Both go hand in hand, just like birth and death. In order to construct our true self and "find our life" as Jesus suggests, we need to destruct and dismantle ideas about our limitations. Destruction, despite it's negative connotations, is beautiful in the sense that it creates room for new insights and helps cleanse self defeating patterns. If I can break free from the thought that "I" am a quiet, intellectual person, I simultaneously open a space for the wisdom within me that may only be expressed in an outspoken, more spontaneous way.
We are infinite beings, with unlimited depth. I strive to go beyond the identity I have created for myself, to discover the true essence inside all of us. In order to break through my identity, I've found it beneficial to "break down" what I've constructed. Destruction, in the name of construction. Fear of our own insubstantiality eventually fades when we discover that we cannot be confined to a set of ideas or labels about who we are. While it may feel strange to walk around without a solid conception of our being, the less we grasp at a solid idea of the self, the more natural we become. To refer back to the opening quote by Jesus, "He who loses his life shall find it," I honor and respect all of those who have had the courage to let go of the known, and venture into the uncharted territory of their inner being.
